I am a father . I have been married and divorced and felt the sting of having to go through family court and be told I am not “good enough” to be a part of my children’s lives . This will be the first in a series of posts and blogging on this site . This is a new way for the fathers out there to tell their stories . To share their triumphs and their heartaches . A new way for fathers to share exactly what the family courts justice system has subjected them to.
Every day in this country men are ripped away from their children’s lives for absolutely no reason except that the mother wants it that way . Family court is one of the very few places where a hearing a decision can be made and the defendant has no right to be there , confront his accuser , or even be represented . It is called Ex-Parte and most of the time a mother and her attorney get everything they ask for with the father having not even a voice in the matter . Every day in this country men are taken out of their children’s lives with little or no checks and balances to keep the system honest .
My intent for this website is to have a place where the fathers can tell their stories . Tell what happened . When possible everything will be fact checked and verified to insure accuracy . Also I will try to make these stories searchable by state . Too many of us have fallen victim to a corrupt system that allows the woman to gain immediate temporary custody by making false accusations and not even having to provide any proof at all . Too many times the man is then excluded from his home and forced into unreasonable visitation hoops to even see his children and faces unreasonably high child support as well . By the time a father can get into court out of an ex-parte setting to fight this is takes nothing short of a miracle because the courts have already given custody to the mother and are not willing to change it . It takes nothing short of a miracle for a father to win custody . And usually this is all because a woman SAID that a man abused her or her children . She does not even have to back it up . So then the father faces being excluded from his home , paying child support , paying for the house payments on a home he can not live in , and paying for a new place to stay , and possibly even having to pay for a second vehicle in addition to any payment on the vehicle that the court grants the mother . In short Jerry Lee may have said it best when he said “it all adds up to more than this cowboy makes “. And when as fathers we get hit with all these bills that exceed our income , then we are labeled as dead beat dads because we are either not willing or not able to work 2 and 3 jobs at a time . We are given a choice of working ourselves to death or possible jail . These kinds of ideals were supposed to have gone out in the mid 1800’s .
The question before us as a society is quite simply this ….. How do we balance justice and children’s needs to have their fathers actively in their lives with the mothers desire to keep the father as far away as possible. The medical and legal professions have within the last ten years made it very clear through various studies that children whose fathers are actively engaged contribute to less health issues for the child , less legal issues for the child , and less emotional issues for the child . It would seem to me that that should be enough to convince the corrupt family court judges to change how they do things . However what we have is a society where all is given to the woman and the man is left hung out to dry . Almost every city in America has a women and children’s shelter ….. but you would be hard pressed to find a men’s shelter . In this first blog post I will tell my story and hopefully it will encourage others to send in theirs . Any that I receive I will post . I will even post from women who are in the non-custodial (since when did we become janitors can someone answer me that ?) role . So with no further delays here is my story .
On a summer night in 2005 I went in and kissed my daughter good night and told her that daddy would see her in the morning . I was a newspaper carrier at the time and so was my wife . My duties took me in earlier than my wife since I was an area supervisor . My wife and I were supposed to meet after our routes the next morning at 6:00 Am . I went to work thinking nothing was wrong . The next morning as 6:00 AM came and went I began to wonder what was taking so long . By 9 AM I was worried . I called her mother who lived about 60 miles away , knowing that my wife was supposed to meet her mother that day . By 11 AM I had driven the route between her mother’s house and ours 2 times and note seen her . By 12 Noon I was frantic and had called all the hospitals between our house and her mothers . I had been by her mother’s house but did not see her vehicle anywhere . By 3 PM that afternoon I was absolutely out of my mind with worry . I had a nagging thought at the back of my mind that maybe she left but I refused to believe it . At 9 PM that even after having called the police department earlier I was contacted at home by a county deputy sheriff . They asked me my name which I told them . At that point they handed me a restraining order . I was completely numb . I went the rest of the night between fits of crying and bouts of suicidal depression . I was determined that I would file first for the divorce and hopefully assure that I would retain some rights .
The next morning a 8 AM bright and early I was at the court house filing my divorce . I had my wife served with the papers and I honestly thought that things would turn out reasonably well . I was thinking I should easily be able to get visitation and since I was in possession of the home I was not worried about it . Within the following days things went from bad to worse to much worse quickly . I was informed by the county legal aid office that because my wife had had 1 …. ONE consultation they could not assist me as it would be a conflict of interests . I did not have the money to retain counsel and she knew it . Her mother paid for her to have one of the best attorney’s in the city . I had also found out at that point that I was NO longer the petitioner in the matter . My wife had filed 1 hour after I had and her attorney got the judge to Consolidate the cases so that she became the petitioner and I became the respondent . Things became even worse after that . She got an ex-parte order granting her full custody and I could have SUPERVISED visitations . I had never harmed my children or her in ANY way . She knew I could not afford supervised visits so this was tantamount to insuring that I would have NO visits . You see we had two children a 5 yr old and a 1 yr old . Thus 50 dollars per hour per child with a two hour minimum and the courts had set the only place that would be allowed to do the supervision . So since I could not afford the 200 dollars PER VISIT , I was not allowed to see my children ( the courts later termed this lack of interest on my part). I was being railroaded and I knew it . I just could not stop it . I decided to try and see if I could help myself somewhat at this point . My wife was part of an online Wiccan abuse survivors group . She had had a childhood sexual trauma as well as traumas along the way . The group was called Daughters of Demeter and it was a yahoo group . It was a closed group but I did manage to gain access and go through previous postings to and about her . I found that she along with most of the group had been planning this for some time (almost 6 months). There were phrases from other female group members like “He does not even deserve visitation , He is a man and the kids do not need him in their life . ” I knew I was in some serious trouble with her having been brainwashed this way . I found her diary at the house and looked through it with a female friend with me . I found passages that cleared me of any wrongdoing . She had already played the sexual assault card with the courts and I knew I was in a no win situation . With no family out here that would come to my aid , no friends since I have always been kind of a loner and no way to afford the same level of counsel she was getting I knew I was beaten . I was told that I could have no visitations or maximum support . I did convince her attorney to drop all sexual assault allegations as I had more than enough proof that it was a bogus claim .
The night I went to work was the last time I saw my son and daughter almost 10 years ago . It took me a LONG time to track down where they even live but I was at least able to get that information . Now here is the rest of the story . She has mostly kept my children hidden from me for the last 10 years . The courts refused to rehear visitation issues twice that I did try to take it back to court . She went on to go to school and become a Licensed Councilor in the State of Indiana . She is working as such with a specialty in Marriage and Family counseling at the Hamilton Center in Hendricks County . I shudder and am afraid to think how many other men’s lives may have been ruined because of her .
I have missed birthdays , school events , Christmases all of it . She even went so far as to LIE to the school system and tell them that their was a restraining order against me . I proved to the school system that was a false accusation by calling city , county and state police departments and having them run my name through the system ….. guess what …. no restraining order . Just another in a long series of her lies . As I said she works as a counselor and god only knows what damage she is doing to other families . During our divorce I will admit that I made one mistake . I was honest with MY counselor . I told my counselor ” I wish I could nail that bitch to a wall in court” which she took as a direct threat . My wife was in therapy at the same office with a different counselor . My counselor told hers and the next thing that happened is the courts said I was making a direct threat on her life . Never mind the fact of what I had actually said . And my counselor had written down EXACTLY what I said and it still got twisted .
Now my Daughter is 15 this August and my son just turned 11 . They have no idea that their fathers loves them , cares about their lives . They have no idea that I NEVER gave up . Even now I am still fighting to try and see them . They have no idea that they have a half brother and half sister that want to see them . You see even after this failure of a marriage I met someone else and we fell in love with each other . That was 10 years ago . She has been by my side through all of this . She has been with me through the good and through the bad . My children do not even know that their father is having heart problems . I found myself wondering what would happen if the worst occurs and I die and they do not find out till later on . Through my divorce and through my marriage I did nothing wrong . I have nothing to be ashamed of . I fell victim to a women’s group of abuse survivors who enjoy taking it out on men . I fell victim to a corrupt family court judiciary system . And most of all I fell victim to the fact that I was so blind that I trusted what she told me . It never occurred to me that I would have been in this position . So my friends that is my story . I sit here writing this just after my 44th birthday . I sit here writing this after not being able to see my children all these years . It amounts to nothing more than debtor’s prison .
Send me your stories to post . Together we can hopefully show EVERYONE what is going on . These things are allowed to happen because and I hate to say this but WE ALLOW it to HAPPEN . If we as fathers keep silent about our problems then we are helping the courts to keep doing as they have always done and making fathers into second class citizens . I for one am tired of it . Their will be only a few rules about sending in your stories .
1. No Children’s names may be used or if they are they will be edited out prior to be published .
the reason is that the courts can and often WILL make you cease and desist if a child’s name
2. The facts and only the facts . Try to avoid making accusations , blaming , etc . Take responsibility for your actions . If you did something wrong …. admit it . It is not the end of the world . But making accusations and telling lies is only hindering the rest of us that want to get the truth out there to everyone .
3. STAY SAFE. Women are not the only ones who can and are abused . Current figures indicate that more than 40% of domestic violence victims are men . The reason that only the women get address for domestic violence prevention is because we men keep it a secret . It is not “manly” to admit to be abused by a woman . While resources are scarce they in fact ARE AVAILABLE. If services are offered to women who are victims of abuse in your area by LAW they can NOT refuse to assist men as well .
4 . Remember you are fighting not for yourself but for your children . Fathers can and do walk away every single day . Dads however NEVER give up . Keep remembering that you are fighting for your children . It is ALL about them . You and your spouse do not matter . It is the KIDS . Sometimes we have to swallow our pride and feelings to do what is best for our children . But by the same token do not allow yourself to be bullied or walked on .
And finally a note to all legal entities out there .
This website is acting within the confines of the law and is considered freedom of speech . At no time will it be taken down without a court order by a FEDERAL COURT . Acting within the 1st Amendment to the Constitution of the United States , we are allowed to present the truth and facts to the public without interference of the courts , or government agencies . Any attempt to force this site to close will be met with the full force of law in Federal Court . We are editing out the names of anyone under the age of 18 to insure compliance with state and federal law . The webmaster for this site can be contacted at
Please allow 24-72 hours for a response .